Is this An okay intro??? And is my thesis okay? its due tommorow??

This generation is based on materialistic objects. Sometimes people cant function without their car, phones, shoes, mp3 etc. We as humans for some reason have the urge or desire to own something that we consider valuable to us. Just so we can feel complete or be labeled as something. On great example would be Skateboarding. Skateboarding is known to be one of the most dangerous, hardest and most rewarding sport. But some people, mainly adolesents think of it as a fashion statement.

Is this An okay intro??? And is my thesis okay? its due tommorow??
You have a good topic but there are some grammatical errors in your intro. You might want to specify which generation you are writing about and further explain what you mean by "based on materialistic objects" - do people judge each other/themselves based on their possessions? Is that the only measurement used to determine self worth? You picked an interesting topic that is worth exploring in greater detail.
Reply:I don't really think that your connection between materialism with cars, phones, etc... and skateboarding is quite clear. Maybe you can talk about how those materialistic objects are thought of as "fashion statements" just like skateboarding. and of course, check your spelling and grammar. :]] good luck!
Reply:Definitely does not connect. No offense, just helpful criticism.





First off check your garmmar, your missing a lot of commas and periods are in the wrong place (use conjunctions). Relate to something different like buying a product that you cannot afford to impress people you do not like. That is one definition of materialism. (like the iphone craze)





Also, do not use words such as I'd, can't or won't. write them out.
Reply:Uh.. no your thesis is too narrow and you should use a few less somthings, NEVER PUT EXAMPLES IN A INTRO! :) ill try and fix it up:





Adolecentce of this generation tend to be too materialistic. Most cant function without their car, phones, expensive shoes, mp3 players, etc. For some reason, humans have the urge or desire to own an item that we consider valuable to us, just so that we can feel complete or labeled. Many people attempt dangerous feats, make bad choices, and lose their moral values, just to make a fashion statement.





better?


make me best answer plz :)))





leave the examples for your body paragraphs
Reply:Ehhh.





This generation revolves around materialistic objects. On numerous occasions, individuals claim that they simply cannot function without items such as their car, phone, mp3 player, etc. As humans, the urge or desire to purchase what we feel to be valuable is connected to the idea that it makes us feel complete. Moreover, a great example that showcases this would be skateboarding. While skateboarding is known to be one of the most dangerous, difficult and rewarding sports that exists, many people, specifically adolescents, think of it as a fashion statement.



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